Throwback Thursday: My Heart (Part 2)

Hello everyone! Welcome to part two of my memories related to my heart. This time, though, I won’t be talking about my WPW. That’s done and over with! What isn’t over with is my emotional progress, and today, I really want to delve into that. I know delving deep is for Saturdays though, so we’ll keep it light. Let’s talk about my dating history- not too much, but enough to show my growth.

A precursor to understanding my mental state in regards to dating is I’ve always dated online. Yes, even when I was a teen, I never seemed to fall hard for my classmates (at least none that liked me back)… But I found it easy to find partners online. My first boyfriend- who I’m still friendly with online a decade or so later- was when I was a preteen. We did live in the same state, not far from each other… but we were both very young, and meeting just wasn’t feasible. What’s funny is we still haven’t met, but we’re still good friends! Interesting how the world works, isn’t it?

I’ve dated many people since then- some I was working to save up to visit, others I didn’t like quite enough to want to meet. But last year, something big happened. I actually met my special someone in person. We’ve been together over a year now- when we met up, it was already more than half a year. (Wait, doesn’t that mean it’s going to be two years soon!?) In fact, it was just last June that I got to see him for the first time.

See, this relationship has changed a lot of my mind. Unlike with others, I was desperate to be able to be near him. More-so than any relationship before. When he offered to bring me over to where he lives, I was honestly in shock… But also the happiest I’d ever been, probably.

That trip, however, set off a couple of my anxiety triggers. For starters, we couldn’t stop pushing that we’d take the couch so the other could take his bed. We ended up just both sleeping in his bed, side by side. As someone who’s been a quasi-androphobe most of her life, that was a big deal all by itself. But it wasn’t just him in the house, either. I was staying in the family home. Yep, you guessed it, it was basically a mix of ‘meeting my boyfriend offline for the first time’ and ‘meeting the parents for the first time’ all in one.

The fact that I even trusted him that strongly was a clue for my fickle self that I was growing. He’d lied to me about his life in the past, mostly because he was trying to seem more attractive for me than he felt he was. However, when he came out with the truth months before that trip, I wasn’t angry in the way I’d usually be. If anything, I was happy the things he said turned out to be lies. I was happy he was opening up to me! I wasn’t feeling betrayed like any other lie I’d heard in my life!

And then we met, and slowly my fears faded. My androphobia didn’t act up, because I felt safe. I haven’t felt safe with someone other than my father in a long time. Even now, he’s changing me: I get urges to hear his voice to feel closer to him than I am. I crave to be near him once more- even if it’s just to watch him playing a game or something.

Okay, now that I fully embarrassed myself, tell me: How has a relationship helped you grow? I’d love to hear more stories about growing stronger with the help of others!

P.S.: I have plans to visit him again in the coming months. When I know when it is exactly, I’ll make sure to forewarn you since I probably won’t be able to write posts that week more likely than not. I really need to find a way to get my laptop on my plane this time…

Well, take care! I look forward to seeing you all again on Saturday, where I’ll delve deeper into my psyche and the reason I feel this growth is so important!