Topical Tuesday: My Identity

Good afternoon, my friends, and welcome back to another Topical Tuesday. I had to do some snooping around for ideas for today to be honest, but that list on PopSugar saved me again. In the end, I’ve decided to talk about identity- my identity. The way I see myself, and the way I want to be seen- and how people often say they see me.

First, a couple things I consider important in terms of my identity. I am demisexual/demiromantic. Many people don’t know what this is when I bring it up, but to me, it’s a very important piece of my life. I can only be attracted, emotionally or sexually, to a person who has both earned my trust and broken down, somehow, the many walls I’ve built around myself over the years.

Now, the reason I bring this up first is actually because of something others often notice, and I only recently came to recognize: I am a total flirt. I do it without thinking, and knowing about it makes me hate myself a little. I don’t intend to flirt with anyone- but somehow, it just happens, and then I get depressed. There’s only one person in this world I intentionally flirt with.

And there was a likely reason I’m such a flirt. I’m a person who tries to avoid conflict- that means complimenting people I don’t know or like just to distract them from any stimuli that would cause a fight. I flirt with people who can’t see the many walls that hide between the person and my heart so they won’t realize how far they’ve yet to get.

So that’s one topic from both sides tackled. Next, I’d like to note that while you shouldn’t ‘identify’ as a diagnosis, I often do. I define myself with my borderline personality disorder. I make sure to bring it up quickly in a new relationship, no matter the kind, so that people understand how thin the thread is that they have to walk on to be near me. My trust in people generally flips on a dime.

If you worry that you don’t know how I see you, you should stop worrying and ask me, because I take great pride in my blunt honesty. I won’t sugarcoat whether I like you or not, and I’ll likely include my reasoning. I also like seeing the honesty of others- so don’t be afraid to tell me your personal opinion. Just remember, if we don’t match up that way, it’s okay- don’t be an ass about whether you’re in the right or not. Opinions are opinions, no?

The next part of how I define myself has to do with hugs. I was raised with a lot of physical affection- mostly from relatives and my dad. When I was small and throwing a tantrum about not wanting to visit my grandmother, all dad had to say was she needed a hug and I’d start bouncing, excited to go. However, my love for hugs and closeness can be a problem. Not everyone is comfortable with touch or hugs- and my clingy nature can be quite a difficult obstacle. I’m slowly learning to manage by asking permission from certain people, in hopes of not entering their personal space without consent. Even I say no to a hug once in a while- especially depending on who it is. I’ll skip the details on some of those for the time being.

My final way I describe myself with (outside being overly picky with numbers and food) is that I’m fairly lazy. I’m not someone who picks up her room properly, I spend most of my time in chairs and beds, and I play a lot of games when I should be doing more important things. To me, making a phone call takes a lot of spoons (if you haven’t heard of spoon theory, look it up! It’s interesting and relatable, for me at least). On the days I make a phone call, I feel like I’ve done enough work for ten people. My hatred of phones is just that bad.

So there you go- five (or maybe more) ways I personally identify myself with. How would you define me if you had the chance? How would you describe yourself? Please tell me in the comments- I’d love to know!

Soulful Saturday: Strengths and Weaknesses

Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to June! This is a month where change is slowly coming as summer makes its way to the northern hemisphere- not that it feels like it hasn’t already. Still, you’re not here for a lesson on the Gregorian calendar. You’re here for me to pour my soul out today!

To be completely honest, I had a lot of problems coming up with a topic… So, I looked at a website full of journaling prompts and said, “Hey, I can totally use some of these for blog posts!” And so, I found two prompts that inspired this post: What I see are my good points, and what I dislike about myself.

If you’re new here, you might not know this, but I’m a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. What that means, in this case, is I’ve been abandoned enough times that I’m very awkward with how I deal with people and life. I can’t fully trust anything or anyone- the line of whether I trust you is as fine as a piece of string. As such, my views of myself are just as opposing as my views of people around me. That right there, that black and white standpoint- that’s one of the things I hate myself for.

That said, I’ve been learning steadily but surely to recognize the shades of gray in the world. I don’t hate people just for a white lie anymore, at least. And I’ve started to stop hating myself, too. I still dislike some of my qualities, but I’m learning to respect these imperfections and, in some case, learning to see the good in them.

Today, let’s take a look at a few on each list… And how I’ve grown in relation to them.

The Good

My blunt honesty – yes, I know being blunt can be bad to some people- but, by being blunt, I earn trust that I won’t lie about something important.

My creativity – I don’t think I’m exceptionally creative, but I’m certainly above average, in my mind.

My inquisitive nature – While my dozens of questions may annoy some people, there are plenty of people who have praised me for trying to gain as great an understanding of the topic as possible. Plus, learning something new every day is just fun!

I’m caring – My ability to care for people has grown over the years. I still have some selfishness in me, but I’ve learned to try to take care of the people around me when they need it. For example, I often try to help my dad when he’s unwell by fetching him food and drink, making sure he’s taking his medicine, and even recommending some of the as needed medications based on his complaints.

I’m clever – I can be very bright at times with good solutions to a problem, and when I’m not able to come up with one, I rely on others to help me rather than let my pride get in the way. (This is one I’ve worked hard to earn!)

The Not-So-Good

I can get quite jealous – I never thought I could get as pouty and jealous as I do these days. That said, it kind of relates to the next point.

I’m a total worry-wart – I still have bad self esteem, and I have anxiety over a lot of things I shouldn’t. This leaks into relationships sometimes, and I’m trying to learn better positivity skills.

I’m slow on the uptake – If you hold a conversation with me, you’ll know I’m a fairly simple-minded person. I’m easy to please, easy to hurt, and insanely easy to confuse.

I’m a natural flirt – I don’t do it intentionally, and I wasn’t aware I was doing it until a friend pointed it out when I asked for a self-description. Apparently, I’m quite good at leading people on… And I really don’t like that. There’s only one person I want to flirt with! >w<

I’m lazy as all hell – I live a fairly sedentary life. I’m trying to get more active, even if it’s just by walking to the courtyard to get the mail on a regular basis. I’ve also tried taking regular walks, though I’m recently on a decline there. I’m not very prompt with housework, and I spend more time at the computer than I should.

To be honest, I actually had to get help from friends to figure out some of the features I mentioned- but we are all our own worst critics, so the fact that I struggled to think of my good traits is just a sign I need to work harder on my self-esteem! I’ll be sure to do that now!

Say, friends, what are your good and bad traits? I’d love to see where we’re similar! Let me know in the comments, okay? Take care! 🙂