{"id":401,"date":"2019-09-14T08:51:57","date_gmt":"2019-09-14T12:51:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jrolik.caludin.com\/?p=401"},"modified":"2019-09-13T20:53:48","modified_gmt":"2019-09-14T00:53:48","slug":"soulful-saturday-where-i-belong","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jrolik.caludin.com\/index.php\/2019\/09\/14\/soulful-saturday-where-i-belong\/","title":{"rendered":"Soulful Saturday: Where I Belong"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Hi there, everyone! It\u2019s time to get back on track with the true goal of Soulful Saturday, and a friend gave me a great idea for a topic: loneliness and belonging. This is a broad topic, but I\u2019ll narrow it down the best I can. This may or may not get a bit long, so my apologies if it goes too much in either direction. Now, let\u2019s begin, shall we?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

From the time I was very small, I knew the feeling of loneliness. My father often worked insane hours, and my mother was neglectful and would barely do anything with me at all. Sure, she\u2019d let me watch TV with her- but that meant I had to constantly be watching sports to be with her. She\u2019d play a game with me here or there, but it was always only one game she happened to like. Basically, spending time with my mother often meant giving in to her whims and demands. But that was okay, to me- I thought it was normal. I thought that was just how you avoided being alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I moved a fair bit in my childhood. I went to three grade schools, two middle schools and three high schools. Not all of these schools were because of moving, mind you- but many were. And either way, with each new school came a whole new battle to find my place. I was certainly not a sporty type, so I couldn\u2019t really push myself into the athletic circles that exist in most schools. I wasn\u2019t particularly bright either- I wasn\u2019t bad in school mostly, but I wasn\u2019t a genius either. What was my role in those places?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019d like to share with you a story from my youth before continuing on about my journey. You see, in fourth grade, I had thought I made many friends in both my class and around school. I normally only had male friends in my early years, to be honest- I may not have been into the aggression they sometimes shared amongst each other, but it was mostly guys who liked video games like I did- or at least, the ones that\u2019d admit to it. Anyway\u2026 A girl in my class, who was friendly with my neighbor and best buddy at the time, decided to be my friend. She took me into her friend group, and I thought I\u2019d finally found a home away from home in this circle of kind and open people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then, when I found out I was moving, she broke a bombshell on me: she never saw me as a friend. She just felt bad for me, being mostly alone and all. To her, I was a charity project. And though my family told me she may just have been processing my leaving badly\u2026 I could tell somehow that it wasn\u2019t the case.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have severe social anxiety, and anxiety in general. It was so bad that I once threw up seeing a group of five people at a birthday party. When you grow up in a house where you have to fend for yourself and feed yourself, you get used to being alone. Sure, I had my dad after mom left. And, after he stopped working due to disability, I had plenty of affection given to me even if at first I couldn\u2019t quite accept it (but that\u2019s a story for another time!). He helped me feel less alone in the world, especially after the many times I\u2019ve been heart broken like in fourth grade.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My ability to feel I belong tends to be garbage, something I assume is part of why my diagnosis of Borderline Personality makes so much sense. I\u2019ve been toyed with enough that I can barely trust people. I can be surrounded by friends, yet feel like I\u2019m a stranger to them all. I tend to try to push them away the closer they get- it\u2019s almost like I want to be alone\u2026 But I really don\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s taken a long time for me to find a place where I feel I\u2019m in the right place. I often see myself as a puzzle- a puzzle missing a ton of pieces. I don\u2019t really know how it clicked in my head that places like Books and Quills\u2019 Writers\u2019 Haven were a place I could feel at home. My boyfriend\u2019s family always makes me feel like I\u2019m a part of their home when I visit, and I\u2019ve grown to accept that feeling. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m still far from perfect. I have my days where I just don\u2019t feel like I fit in even in places I normally do. A single conversation that I can\u2019t contribute to can cause me to feel alone in the world for a moment- but, with time and a lot of self talk, I manage to get past that pain, even if it takes a while. Because I know these people care about me- they\u2019re practically my family. I may not have succeeded in seeing myself not as the black sheep yet, but\u2026 I keep trying. And that\u2019s all I can do- try my best to be an active part of the community, and pray my authenticity doesn\u2019t drive more people away from me. Yes, I try my best to be myself with everyone, even those I fear losing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think that\u2019s enough for today, my friends. I\u2019ll be honest, this was a hard post to write, and it\u2019s probably only slightly cracking the surface. Perhaps, another day, I can continue to share the times I\u2019ve felt out of place along with the places I feel at home\u2026 And maybe, just maybe, I\u2019ll learn some tips that can help some of you find that place too, if you need it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As one last note though, as I think of it\u2026 Perhaps this is why I spread myself thin so often. By trying to do all sorts of things, I meet all sorts of people. Heck, I\u2019m even trying to get into youtubing. Tell me that\u2019s not a cry for attention knowing all this about me. I only realized it now\u2026 But I still plan to cry for it, even if it\u2019s just superficial\u2026 Because I already started. I\u2019d like to finish at least one thing I\u2019ve started, you know?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, for my usual ending\u2026 Have you ever felt like you were alone in the world? Have you found your place to belong? In either case, please share your stories and tips with me and everyone else! It\u2019s important to help each other!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hi there, everyone! It\u2019s time to get back on track with the true goal of Soulful Saturday, and a friend gave me a great idea for a topic: loneliness and belonging. This is a broad topic, but I\u2019ll narrow it down the best I can. This may or may not get a bit long, so…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"spay_email":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true},"categories":[33,2],"tags":[157,53,54,156],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p8uAZQ-6t","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jrolik.caludin.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/401"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jrolik.caludin.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jrolik.caludin.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jrolik.caludin.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jrolik.caludin.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=401"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/jrolik.caludin.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/401\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":402,"href":"https:\/\/jrolik.caludin.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/401\/revisions\/402"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jrolik.caludin.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=401"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jrolik.caludin.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=401"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jrolik.caludin.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=401"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}