Seeking Aid

Topical Tuesday: NaNo is Over! Time for Project Updates!

Hey everyone! It’s been a while since I’ve written a post, hasn’t it? And I mean actually written a post. It may be the last day of November when I’m writing this, but I have so much to share from the past month that I’m not sure of where to start.

Well, for one thing, I WON! I finished writing 50k words in record time, all thanks to my working on multiple projects at once. I can’t fully believe I managed to finish, though none of my projects are done. I think that’s one thing I’d like to talk about today, in fact… The projects I’m working on, how, and what I hope they’ll do if I publish them.

So, my first project I’m going to share is Pure Blood, a supernatural romance that was my original focus. I wrote a few chapters, but I got stuck and was basically bouncing all over the place. I’m not going to give up on it, but I’m taking some time from it until I feel I have more direction… Apparently I didn’t plan enough.

The second project, which has become my main project, is Luna Blue. This story is a sci-fi, quasi dystopian story about the world humans left behind due to destroying it with radiation and pollution, only to return to it once it seems the chaos has died down. The story has a lot of characters, because the colony it focuses on will be growing as the story goes on. There will be bizarre creatures due to the destruction of the gene pools and such, and a war between the mutated humans that’d been left behind and the colonists trying to start a new life for themselves. I’m recently working on a beastiary for it- and I gotta say, it’s pretty hard, but a lot of fun.

Another story I worked on for a short stint is Monochromatic Secret, another sci-fi, but this time focused on modern or maybe futuristic times. In this story, a girl can see up to the molecular level due to mutations done to her as a fetus. It follows her story of the loner moving up to be a friendly, confident woman.

I honestly don’t remember much else that I’ve written this month. I wrote a few paragraphs of a Pokemon fanfic, but that’s just for me at this time, and it will stay that way either way. I want to test more writing styles and programs, so more stories will help with that… But I hope to focus enough to finish one one of these days!

A lot has happened on the non-writing front too. I went to a few write-ins (okay, so those are writing related. Shush.) I got some neat prizes over the course of them, including a couple notebooks, a signed book by a fellow WriMo that I really like, and some other nifty knick knacks and stickers to go with the theme. I also went to a party upstairs this past Wednesday. They called it ‘Friendsgiving’. It was basically a small group of people hanging out, snacking, and a fair bit of alcohol. I woke up Thursday a bit hungover, but it was a fun night, and I’m glad I went. I should spend more time with the neighbors- they’re nice people.

Now that NaNoWriMo is officially over, I have a couple plans to put into place. I’m still going to write, but it won’t be my focus as much as it has been the last month. I also plan to work hard to motivate myself to declutter, as well as work on other art/development projects, namely game dev, a bit a day. With ComiPo having an update recently, I may use it to make a visual novel at some point- I have software for it, I just haven’t really played with it yet. I may start with just a kinetic novel… Honestly, I’m not sure.

What do you guys think I should focus on? I mean besides writing and my health. Yesterday (or what will be yesterday when you’re reading this) I went for an eye exam and to get some new glasses. So, hopefully, I’ll be seeing properly very soon! But besides my focus on writing and health, what should be my primary goal? And what projects do you think I should work on (both type of project and details if you have any)?

I need your help, my wonderful readers. How do you make a decision on what to work on? And what do you do to motivate yourself? Please leave a comment below to share with me your two cents. Also, if you have ideas for future blog topics or videos you’d like to see, let me know! I need all the brainstorming I can get!

Soulful Saturday: Friendship, Online and Off

Hey there everyone! Today, I want to talk about a very important topic to me: Friendship. Friendship isn’t something that occurs in a day to me- it takes time, it takes conversing, and- okay actually, cut that. That’s how it should be, not how it is. For those of you that don’t know already, I have borderline personality disorder. My views of people can change at the drop of a hat. So that makes me wonder… Why do I feel loyal to my friends, and not feel that light switch go on and off?

I think to start this conversation with you, it’s best if I make something clear: I’m not talking about online or offline separately. I’m talking about friends of all forms. For me, a friend is a person I feel safe with. I feel they’re honest people, and not people I have to fear losing as easily. This feeling is strongest when I first meet people, online or offline. However, the closer I get to people, the more I usually pull away…

So why is it I have certain friends that I’ve had for years now? I certainly feel unusually close with them as time’s passed. Have I improved my ability to trust people?

The answer to that is probably a yes. Or rather, I hope it is. See, just last week I met up with an online friend for the first time (as in first time meeting this particular friend, mind you! I’ve met others before this.) I was offered a free ticket to join her at Comicon, which was my first time going to a convention by the way. Trusting someone so much that I’d want to meet up with them and even go to a big event that’s sure to bring me anxiety and such isn’t exactly my norm.

Another thing outside my norm that I did recently: I texted my offline friends just to check on them. I’m not a big phone person, but texting is something I feel comfortable with. However, I don’t normally text friends that much. The last time I’d texted these friends was in April! I had nothing really to talk about with them, but I wanted to see their names, and to see how they were doing. I’m never good about keeping in touch. It’s just part of my internal algorithm, if you will.

This just brings me more questions and, surprisingly, more anxiety than I can shake a stick at. What led to these changes? Is it actually a good thing I’m doing these things? Sure, I’d talked to my friend from the Comicon adventure plenty of times- we’ve been friends for years through a common interest, and we’ve even video chatted many times, alongside our mutual friend circle.

And that’s another thing I’d like to mention- I never even wanted to video or voice chat with people only a year ago. When did I start wanting to hear the voices and put faces to the names I’d used for them so long? It feels as if I’ve changed drastically in just a couple years. I just don’t know what lead to it!

I think it’s a good change- I hope it is, at the very least. Still, I can’t quite put my finger on the trigger for these changes… and that bothers me a lot. I’m thankful to have the friends I have, whether it’s my friends from middle school I texted just the other day or online friends like the one I went to the city to meet.

I just feel a little rattled by the fact that, for the longest time I’d been the type to pull away the closer I felt to people. To suddenly realize I’m not doing that… It makes me feel vulnerable and scared, even if it also makes me feel a sense of relief and accomplishment. I must be lucky I’ve met so many kind, honest and patient people!

What do you consider the most important thing in a friendship? How often do you communicate with friends, and how do you personally prefer these communications work? As someone new to keeping in touch with friends and trying to keep them, I could really use the feedback from your own experiences. Let me learn from you- and maybe, if I’m lucky, you’ve in some way learned from me what not to do based on my past.

As always, I appreciate you taking the time to read my ramblings about the deeper parts of my life. I hope you’ll share your own experiences with me someday- and I hope mine can do something for you, too!

Topical Tuesday: Widespread

Hey everyone, welcome back! Did you have a good weekend? I spent the weekend doing all sorts of things, including fight the blahs. But actually, that’s what I want to talk about today. No, not the blahs- though those do deserve a post, maybe Saturday. No, today I want to talk about how varied my interests are and why I’m spread as thin as I am.

Now, I know I said this was going to be a personal blog from now on… But this post is about the fact I burn out easily, have no attention span, and can easily lose track of what’s going on at any given time. There’s a reason my WIP list is 20+ titles long. When I burn out on one, I work a bit on the next one. Recently, I’ve been mixing that methodology by using a different writing program for each as I work on them. That’s hitting two birds with one stone, since I intend to write reviews of these programs for the mag.

But it’s not just writing. I dabble in all sorts of things, ranging from game development to administrating web forums. In fact, I was just recently promoted to administrator by the head admin of a site I frequent, who also happens to host my own forum. There should be a link on the Sites to See page. If it’s missing, let me know.

But here’s the thing- I work on all these projects at the same time. And it’s not just working on projects that I multitask with. I chat, play games, and surf the web- all often while doing my creative work of that time period. Lately, I’ve been playing a lot of minecraft with friends on a multiplayer server. Its given me story ideas to fill out some things… and not always are they flowery ideas. In fact, some are quite morbid.

I’ve gotten back into the Sims 4, too. I spend a good hour a day looking at custom content for it, I think. Then again, I spend a lot of time looking for plugins and graphics for game development.

Of course, there are a few other things that help spread me apart further. I’m big on social media- not popularity-wise, but usage-wise. I’ve been thinking about doing stuff on youtube, too, if I can think of some content. I used to use instagram a lot, and I feel like I should get into it again too… I can make my comipoems again, I just haven’t had the mindset for it somehow.

The big problem for me is this: I have so many projects and things I do at once, I lose focus quickly and skip around between tasks haphazardly. And it also affects my home life. I’m lazy by nature, but by taking up all my time doing these many different projects and the like, I end up putting my chores on pause for days or even weeks at a time. I have so much laundry to fold, guys! It’s not even funny.

And here’s the real kicker: I watch a lot of youtube videos about certain topics. I love watching videos on beauty, weird challenges, organization, bullet journals, stationary, and minimalism. I’m no minimalist, but I feel like my life would be better if I were. I have a bullet journal, but I haven’t written in it in weeks or months. I have plenty of makeup and like putting it on time to time even if I don’t need to because I’m staying home. But organization? I watch those to inspire myself to work on my disastrous bedroom… But so far, in recent weeks, I’m getting nothing. I’m impressed by the things I find, sure, but… Somehow, watching cool methods to organize just makes me feel a little down because I don’t think I could ever do that so confidently. I walk into my room and get an anxiety attack when I think of cleaning it up.

So yeah… I’m pretty well spread thin enough I should snap at any moment. With my various art and development projects, my writing, my social media presence, blogging, surfing the web and playing games, I distract myself from the real problems in my life: my cluttered room that’s more a pig sty than a bedroom; dealing with my anxiety related to cleaning; my trust issues, which I avoid easily by interacting less with people. I have so many personal problems I could write a book about them. Okay, so I kind of plan to- but that’s not my point!

My point is this: I’m overwhelming myself and I know it. But how do I stop myself when all these projects are important to me? And how do I fight the overwhelming fear I feel when it’s time to look in my room and try to tidy it up? I need all the help I can get, so give me your best coping skills- and maybe share what’s burning you out or spreading you thin too!

Soulful Saturday: A Delayed Sit-Down on my Trip to Arizona

Hi hello, friends! I hope the weekend has been treating you well so far! I promised I’d do this last Saturday, but I wasn’t up to it and am learning the art on not overdoing things. So, today, I’m going to talk to you about a couple things: a quick overview of my trip to Arizona last month, and some things I noticed about my daily routine that have changed, including changes I like and don’t like. There’s a lot to cover, but I hope you’ll stick with me until the very end!

So first of all, my trip. In case you’re new to this blog and aren’t aware, I’m in a long distance relationship. I’ve been physically near my boyfriend once a year for two years now, by visiting him in his family home in Arizona. It’s a costly flight, and we both paid for one of the visits- but thankfully, his family lowers my expenses by letting me stay with them when I visit, letting me eat their food as I please, play with their dogs, and just generally feel a part of the household.

This year, the flights to and from Arizona were both heavily delayed. My trip there was delayed by a rowdy group of about 40 Israeli’s on a field trip of some sort. They were very noisy and liked standing up to do things when they weren’t supposed to. I sat next to a very nice young lady and chatted with her a bit, but otherwise, there was nothing really substantial about the flight there besides the large group making a racket.

My flight home was another story. First I was almost put on the wrong plane by someone working to help people that were in wheelchairs by getting them drinks while they wait and getting them on board early when it’s time. Then, there was the weather in Newark, where I was flying to- it was horrible, you guys. We were stuck at the airport an hour, and when we were all ready for takeoff, we were grounded an extra half hour or so! But I gotta say, considering the wild weather when we got home, I can’t help wondering what it was like while we were being told to stay away…

Anyway, a bit about my trip: First off, I enjoyed it, for the most part. I got to spend my boyfriend’s birthday with him, learned lots more about him, and just generally enjoyed my time there. I learned things like what kind of peanut butter he likes, how much effort he puts into minecraft, his work routine (he got most of the week I was there off, but couldn’t manage to get the last day). I got to see him off and welcome him home when he had work, which was nice too.

I also got to know a bit more about the family. His younger sister actually sat and ate with me a couple times, which was new. And by me I mean me once and the entire family once. That hadn’t happened at all last year. Another fun family situation was also at the dinner table. Sometimes, they’ll put the TV on while they eat… And one night, they put on Scare Tactics. I told my boyfriend never to try those pranks on me because I’m a weakling… and his brother was kind enough to say if he ever did try something like that, I could tell anyone in the family and they’d kick his ass for me. For me, that was a really special thing, because it showed even more how welcoming and kind towards me the family is. I’m really grateful for them.

Speaking of gratitude, let’s move on to the habits and routines I mentioned at the start of this blog post. In the past month or so, a lot of my habits have changed. I’ve stopped writing in my gratitude journal, I kinda let my bullet journal go unused the entire time, I’ve stopped using makeup at all (which is actually not a horrible thing to do), and for a while, I stopped taking my meds regularly due to always falling asleep before I was to take them.

Some habits I want to get back on track with. I’m working hard to take my meds before I get tired enough to sleep, and I’ve done a face mask or two since coming back from Arizona. I haven’t used any makeup in over a month, which I’m not sure how I feel about… It helps boost my confidence when I go out, but I didn’t feel I needed it in Arizona like I do here. It’s quite strange, now that I think about it. Why do I feel I need makeup for confidence when I’m in New Jersey, but not in Arizona? Is it a difference of who’s around?

My big concern honestly is that I have no real ‘routine’ anymore. I used to have alarms set to tell me when to do my gratitude journal, but I haven’t touched it in weeks. I’m getting encouragement from friends to help me get pen to paper, so to speak, but… Every time I say I’ll do it, some weird feeling washes over me and makes it hard to even try. And the same issue goes for my bullet journal. I’m mad at myself for dropping it, but no matter what I tell myself, I can’t seem to get myself in the mindset.

As you can see, I have a lot to think about. I also want to make a routine that helps me work on all my creative projects without burning out. All these changes I’ve made and want to reverse are a bit overwhelming… So tell me: What should I focus on first? And, do you have any hints or tricks to getting back into a routine you’ve fallen out of? Are there changes to your personal routine you’d like to make? Tell me any or all of your answers in the comments. I love to see your input!

Topical Tuesday: What’s Focus?

I know it’s been a week, and I apologize for the delay! Today, I’d like to talk about something that’s been on my mind a lot lately… My short attention span.

I don’t know when it started. My attention span was never great, but it’s been getting worse lately. I have a wide range of interests may be part of the problem- I keep jumping from writing to forums to game development to watching a variety of youtubers to- well, you get the picture.

Lately, I just feel like I’m out of control. I’ve stopped using my habit trackers for a while now and know I need to go back to it, but restarting is a difficult step. And you know what else is hard? Motivating myself when I can’t keep track of my mind.

I have a basket of laundry that has literally been waiting weeks for me to fold it. I haven’t written in my gratitude journal in months, probably. My bullet journal has been reduced to just a pretty notebook sitting in my travel wallet (yes, it fit in there). I have no drive, no full interest or attention to anything.

Does anyone out there know what’s wrong with me? Can someone tell me why everything feels lackluster and I can’t keep myself working on a project more than a few minutes before something else comes to mind that I want to do? Why do I feel like everything yet nothing is worth anything? I know some of this is probably depression… But I don’t know what to do about it.

So, I ask you, my readers… What advice can you share? Give me all your ideas, your experiences. Have you been here? What helped you? I need all the help I can get… So please don’t hold back, okay?