Topical Tuesday: My Identity

Good afternoon, my friends, and welcome back to another Topical Tuesday. I had to do some snooping around for ideas for today to be honest, but that list on PopSugar saved me again. In the end, I’ve decided to talk about identity- my identity. The way I see myself, and the way I want to be seen- and how people often say they see me.

First, a couple things I consider important in terms of my identity. I am demisexual/demiromantic. Many people don’t know what this is when I bring it up, but to me, it’s a very important piece of my life. I can only be attracted, emotionally or sexually, to a person who has both earned my trust and broken down, somehow, the many walls I’ve built around myself over the years.

Now, the reason I bring this up first is actually because of something others often notice, and I only recently came to recognize: I am a total flirt. I do it without thinking, and knowing about it makes me hate myself a little. I don’t intend to flirt with anyone- but somehow, it just happens, and then I get depressed. There’s only one person in this world I intentionally flirt with.

And there was a likely reason I’m such a flirt. I’m a person who tries to avoid conflict- that means complimenting people I don’t know or like just to distract them from any stimuli that would cause a fight. I flirt with people who can’t see the many walls that hide between the person and my heart so they won’t realize how far they’ve yet to get.

So that’s one topic from both sides tackled. Next, I’d like to note that while you shouldn’t ‘identify’ as a diagnosis, I often do. I define myself with my borderline personality disorder. I make sure to bring it up quickly in a new relationship, no matter the kind, so that people understand how thin the thread is that they have to walk on to be near me. My trust in people generally flips on a dime.

If you worry that you don’t know how I see you, you should stop worrying and ask me, because I take great pride in my blunt honesty. I won’t sugarcoat whether I like you or not, and I’ll likely include my reasoning. I also like seeing the honesty of others- so don’t be afraid to tell me your personal opinion. Just remember, if we don’t match up that way, it’s okay- don’t be an ass about whether you’re in the right or not. Opinions are opinions, no?

The next part of how I define myself has to do with hugs. I was raised with a lot of physical affection- mostly from relatives and my dad. When I was small and throwing a tantrum about not wanting to visit my grandmother, all dad had to say was she needed a hug and I’d start bouncing, excited to go. However, my love for hugs and closeness can be a problem. Not everyone is comfortable with touch or hugs- and my clingy nature can be quite a difficult obstacle. I’m slowly learning to manage by asking permission from certain people, in hopes of not entering their personal space without consent. Even I say no to a hug once in a while- especially depending on who it is. I’ll skip the details on some of those for the time being.

My final way I describe myself with (outside being overly picky with numbers and food) is that I’m fairly lazy. I’m not someone who picks up her room properly, I spend most of my time in chairs and beds, and I play a lot of games when I should be doing more important things. To me, making a phone call takes a lot of spoons (if you haven’t heard of spoon theory, look it up! It’s interesting and relatable, for me at least). On the days I make a phone call, I feel like I’ve done enough work for ten people. My hatred of phones is just that bad.

So there you go- five (or maybe more) ways I personally identify myself with. How would you define me if you had the chance? How would you describe yourself? Please tell me in the comments- I’d love to know!

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Jaluna

A young adult who writes as a way of life, and treats all her characters as her children.

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