Good morning, guys! It’s hard to believe Tuesday came so quickly. I’m still not adjusted to days of the week yet, or so it seems by my extreme fatigue. Fatigue aside, I have a great topic to talk about today, and it just so happens to start with an F: Friendship.
Friendship is a very special thing- but it’s even more special if you’re like me and struggle to trust people even 10%. My fear of being abandoned has made it common for me to try pushing people away the more they become close to me. That’s right folks, if I was pushing you away, either I really didn’t like you or I just liked you too much. And yes, I know that’s confusing.
I’d like to put an emphasis on one word there, though: was. I’ve come to a point where I don’t always assume someone is going to leave me because of how close we are. I still occasionally react as if I do think that, but I’m learning a way to separate my real friends, such as you guys, from my friends that I can’t seem to see staying by my side. That difference? Family.
To me, my true friends, my good friends- they’re family to me. It doesn’t mean I’m guaranteed not to push them away at a certain point, but I’m far less likely to than if I don’t see them that way. I hate my extended family much of the time, but my friend family is very dear to me. I try hard to fight the urge to avoid them far more than I’d avoided keeping away from friends before. I do have friends that may feel I’ve pushed away from them still. Friends that are extremely dear to me, the closest to family I have offline. But that’s not intended, and I hope someday they see this: I love you all, I just kind of lose track of time.
Time isn’t something I’m good at keeping an eye on. As my schedule is barely existent, days blend together and so I can’t keep track of when I last spoke to someone. Was it just a day, a week, a month? I also still have one worry that comes up often: I don’t want to be too clingy like I tend to be. What if they’re busy or something? It’d make me feel bad if I interrupt them while they’re working hard on things in their own lives.
That said, I want you all to know- if you’re my friend, you’re my family. And to me, all of you reading this are somewhere in that family tree- and I can’t be more thankful to have you, despite my insecurities.