Hey guys! Today’s Soulful Saturday is going to be a little deep and dark. Today, I want to discuss flashbacks, actually. But these aren’t any ordinary flashback… they’re flashbacks from PTSD.
I have been through a number of traumatic situations. I’ve been in many car crashes, I’ve had a crazy neighbor attack my dad, and I’ve had someone sexually harass me and I just couldn’t get it to stop on my own.
Each of these issues put together encompass the majority of my PTSD. On Friday, I had a severe panic attack after having a flashback of my uncle sexually harrassing me. And you see, here’s the thing: my uncle isn’t a great person, but at the time most of us thought he was a good person all together. The thing is, he’s a drinker. And when he drinks, he unthinkingly starts touching you in places that make you very uncomfortable, such as your butt or getting really close to your chest. He’s tried kissing me right at the corner of my mouth, and honestly, I was disgusted. All of this just disgusted me… And I was afraid for a long while to tell anyone, “Uncle Bob [not real name] has been harassing me”.
The day before Friday, my dad left the room while on a call, and I went to look for him and make sure he was alright. I ended up hearing him talk about issues with my uncle. And I broke down in SECONDS.
Friday, however, was a strange one. My panic attack took a variety of coping skills and tissues to calm myself down enough to write this. So yes, this was written on Friday instead.
Today, I had a flashback of when he’d touch my butt even after I said no. I felt it as if it was happening in real time, and it scared me so much I literally got up and took an anxiety pill immediately. Also, that was the last one I have… or… had? I’m not sure whether it really makes sense or not with tense, but oh well.
The point is, something so simple broke me at my core. And that’s just one of three major triggers. I don’t want to talk about them though, because I want to focus on writing out my pain from this particular experience. If you guys want to read about my other PTSD triggers, I’d be more than happy for you to comment and tell me.
I don’t know how long the backlash of hearing that conversation is going to be. All I know is I’ll recover. But, it’ll take a lot of time to truly heal…