Throwback Thursday: My Trick Knee

It’s hard to believe the week’s almost over- but I’m honestly thankful for today. I’m seeing two doctors about two pain problems I’m having, all in one day! Realizing that, I decided a good memory to talk to you about this Throwback Thursday is the cause of one of my major pain centers: my trick knee.

You normally would think only an old lady would have a knee pain that varies by the weather, but here I sit behind the screen to tell you, mine does too. This past week, the weather has been fairly decent- but the changes in air pressure, amongst other things, made my week a living hell for my left knee. The thing is, thinking over it, I do know, generally, what caused my knee to end up like this. And today, you’ll learn too.

It was when I was in eighth grade, living with my aunt in California. I was in a number of extracurricular activities, including track and field, basketball and Model United Nations. It was a big track meet that started it all. I was on the team as a discus thrower (apparently I was good at it, since I got into the semi-finals). In the area of the grass that the discus was taking part, there was a ‘safe zone’ for people waiting their turn to sit. And, naturally, I sat on that grass happily, waiting to be called up to throw that six pound rubber disc as far as possible.

Unfortunately, it turned out the safe zone wasn’t so safe. I don’t know how it was rolled or thrown- I didn’t see it coming- but that rebounder’s return was sent straight for my knee. It wasn’t horribly fast- but getting hit by a moving six pound object on a ball joint isn’t exactly the best thing for your body. Still, I was fine… for the moment.

The problem is, it happened twice. I’d gone further into the safe zone where I was sure I couldn’t get hit- yet somehow, by pure bad luck, my left knee took another discus return head on. But it’s not just these two incidents that made my knee the way it is. No, it was a lot more.

That week wasn’t just my track meet. It was also a conference for Model UN with other Model UN groups from around the area. We spent a couple days in Pasadena, staying in a nice hotel meant for these kinds of conferences. In my case, the room I was put in for my part was a smaller room with a square made out of tables and chairs close to the support beam. Naturally, I ended up next to the support beam… And kept kneeing it as I tried to get out of my chair.

So first it was two six pound rubber discs, then it was me banging my knee when getting up into a support beam probably made of plaster or some other heavy duty material. And that wasn’t the end of it! I’m naturally clumsy- and when I got home and was trying to get into an under-sink cabinet, I fell onto my knees while trying to crouch. That was the worst pain it gave me that week- but my aunt said it’d be fine in a few days (if I recall correctly). She’s a doctor, so I trusted her judgment- even though I know her judgment isn’t always perfect in certain situations.

It’s been fifteen years now since then. My knee is probably where I get some of my worst pain outside my migraines and my back filled with spinal damage. When the weather starts changing, my knee starts to hurt so much it’s hard to walk or do almost anything. And so, today I plan to ask my doctor for a steroid shot in it. I got one in December, and it did wonders! Wish me luck I get that result again soon- because I clearly need all the luck I can get!

Topical Tuesday: Top Ten Manga

Hihi! How’s it going guys? Today, I’m shaking things up a bit by doing a book meme for blogs: Top Ten Tuesday. If you’ve been following my Alien Irony Redux Blog, you’ll know I’ve started doing these every so often to spread my wings a bit. Topical Tuesday is still just that: a topic. And this is my topic for today.

So, what is Top Ten Tuesday as a book meme? Well, it’s a meme hosted by That Artsy Reader Girl. This week, we’re meant to share our top ten favorite books of our favorite genre. I know manga have genres, but it’s so hard to choose one genre in it I love… So I’m going to share a variety, telling you things about each one, and hoping maybe you’ll love them too! (Please note, there’s no real hierarchy here. I just wrote it in the way I thought fit best!)

Alive The Final Evolution

This manga, which deals with the concepts of life and death quite uniquely, has to be my favorite manga hands down. I’ve read it at least six times now- and every time, I’ve been enthralled by the characters and the powers they grow to possess. This manga is not for those with weak hearts. There’s a lot of suicide, murder and gore. Honestly, I don’t know how I managed to read it so often. With major twists and turns and an unbelievable fate for the world, this manga is definitely number one in my eyes. Happy Sugar Life

Happy Sugar Life

Don’t let the title fool you- this manga is a psychological horror that cuts deep and displays the danger of pure obsession. The heroine will do anything to keep a young child she adores by her side- kidnapping, murder, literally anything. She wants to maintain her ‘happy sugar life’ with her beloved, even if there were many wrongs going on about it. This story took a lot of confusing turns to me, but they lead me to feel far more inspired and intrigued than I thought they would. The tension, the strong emotional ties- it’s all so… Moving. I almost wanted to cheer on the crazy heroine!

Mushi to Medama to Teddy Bear

Mushi to Medama to Teddy Bear starts off with a sweet but illegal couple being cute- that is, until there’s a surprise attack on the young teenager by another girl. Appearing to be murdered with her eyes gouged out, only to be alive with more blood loss than she should be able to bare. This manga brings a whole new idea to the story of Adam and Eve… and it’s simply amazing, if I’m being honest.

King’s Game: Origin

King’s Game is a well known horror manga… But if you want a really good death game of sorts, King’s Game: Origin, the prequel, is where it’s at to me. Someone called the king leaves a note, and if you don’t obey… Well, bye bye. You’re gonna die in whatever way the note says, whether you like it or not! This prequel really gives you some interesting twists, and shows how stress can lead to insanity and impulsive actions that are dangerous to yourself and around you. It’s just… Amazing. Literally bloody amazing.Dolls Code

Dolls Code

This manga, another psychological horror, focuses on juvenile criminals that have committed some form of a crime. In this detention, however, they have one of their body parts taken from them when they enter the school- for the hero, that happens to be his memories. Supposedly, the part relates to the crime they’ve performed- but that’s not all. The parts were used to create a humanoid doll! With a doll in their midst, the teens must partake in puzzles and games that will test their wits, sanity and more- all to escape from this prison school alive.High Rise Invasion

High Rise Invasion

High Rise Invasion is up there with Alive for me. This piece of speculative fiction follows a young teenager who finds herself waking up in a strange world where only tall buildings exist and the only way you’re allowed to go to the ground is by jumping to your death. Add the people wearing masks that will try to scare you into jumping or kill you if you refuse to try, and you’ve got the weirdest idea of a way to create a new god that might ever exist. The characters are strong, there’s more mystery than I can explain in a short blurb, and it really makes you wonder what you’d do in that sort of situation. Would you have the strength to fight the masks?

The Bride Was A Boy

Finally, the list is taking an uplifting turn! No more horror in here! The Bride Was A Boy, which started out as a comic blog at first, is a true story of how the author, Chii, came out as transgender and began to live her life as the woman she was meant to be. She covers everything from coming out, dating, and even getting her sex changed to marry her beloved husband. It’s educational and adorable! I can’t push it enough!

Tabi no Michizure

Okay, I might have lied a little bit. To some, this might very well be a horrifying concept: a girl gets off a train and finds herself in a town that repeats the same day, every day… and the roads eat people lacking the right marking to pass through. I really love this one so far- the mystery of why only things used by Tabi disappear during the reset is an interesting add on. It also makes me wonder… How would I react being one of the few that realizes the groundhog day effect?

Nukoduke

If you like cuteness and constant fluff, Nukoduke is the manga for you. It follows a lackadaisical young man who one day finds a pair of nukos- tiny cats with partially human bodies and the ability to speak. He unthinkingly brings them home, and so starts their lives together. The characters are all kind of focused on one major personality aspect, but it’s full of interesting growth in the connections between nuko and people, and it is just constantly sweet as pie. Expect insanity, sweet moments and good times!

Yandere Kanojo

Do you like slapstick comedy? Do you like couples that seem unexpected based on cliques? If you’re a fan of such things, you might like Yandere Kanojo, a gag manga on all accounts. The manga follows a gang leader and her boyfriend, an average guy who, to others, has no real redeeming qualities. The manga slowly but surely expands its cast to have a wide variety of kooky characters- a masochistic little sister, a teacher afraid of groups and people that looks scary when he’s teaching class, and so much more. The relationships grow well, and there’s a lot of fun to be had. Give it a go- even in short bursts, I promise you’ll find a reason to smile laugh!

And that’s all for me today. What manga would be on your top ten? Which of these do you love or hate? Tell me all about your manga tastes in the comments- I might just find new ones to love!

Soulful Saturday: Strengths and Weaknesses

Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to June! This is a month where change is slowly coming as summer makes its way to the northern hemisphere- not that it feels like it hasn’t already. Still, you’re not here for a lesson on the Gregorian calendar. You’re here for me to pour my soul out today!

To be completely honest, I had a lot of problems coming up with a topic… So, I looked at a website full of journaling prompts and said, “Hey, I can totally use some of these for blog posts!” And so, I found two prompts that inspired this post: What I see are my good points, and what I dislike about myself.

If you’re new here, you might not know this, but I’m a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. What that means, in this case, is I’ve been abandoned enough times that I’m very awkward with how I deal with people and life. I can’t fully trust anything or anyone- the line of whether I trust you is as fine as a piece of string. As such, my views of myself are just as opposing as my views of people around me. That right there, that black and white standpoint- that’s one of the things I hate myself for.

That said, I’ve been learning steadily but surely to recognize the shades of gray in the world. I don’t hate people just for a white lie anymore, at least. And I’ve started to stop hating myself, too. I still dislike some of my qualities, but I’m learning to respect these imperfections and, in some case, learning to see the good in them.

Today, let’s take a look at a few on each list… And how I’ve grown in relation to them.

The Good


My blunt honesty – yes, I know being blunt can be bad to some people- but, by being blunt, I earn trust that I won’t lie about something important.

My creativity – I don’t think I’m exceptionally creative, but I’m certainly above average, in my mind.

My inquisitive nature – While my dozens of questions may annoy some people, there are plenty of people who have praised me for trying to gain as great an understanding of the topic as possible. Plus, learning something new every day is just fun!

I’m caring – My ability to care for people has grown over the years. I still have some selfishness in me, but I’ve learned to try to take care of the people around me when they need it. For example, I often try to help my dad when he’s unwell by fetching him food and drink, making sure he’s taking his medicine, and even recommending some of the as needed medications based on his complaints.

I’m clever – I can be very bright at times with good solutions to a problem, and when I’m not able to come up with one, I rely on others to help me rather than let my pride get in the way. (This is one I’ve worked hard to earn!)

The Not-So-Good


I can get quite jealous – I never thought I could get as pouty and jealous as I do these days. That said, it kind of relates to the next point.

I’m a total worry-wart – I still have bad self esteem, and I have anxiety over a lot of things I shouldn’t. This leaks into relationships sometimes, and I’m trying to learn better positivity skills.

I’m slow on the uptake – If you hold a conversation with me, you’ll know I’m a fairly simple-minded person. I’m easy to please, easy to hurt, and insanely easy to confuse.

I’m a natural flirt – I don’t do it intentionally, and I wasn’t aware I was doing it until a friend pointed it out when I asked for a self-description. Apparently, I’m quite good at leading people on… And I really don’t like that. There’s only one person I want to flirt with! >w<

I’m lazy as all hell – I live a fairly sedentary life. I’m trying to get more active, even if it’s just by walking to the courtyard to get the mail on a regular basis. I’ve also tried taking regular walks, though I’m recently on a decline there. I’m not very prompt with housework, and I spend more time at the computer than I should.

To be honest, I actually had to get help from friends to figure out some of the features I mentioned- but we are all our own worst critics, so the fact that I struggled to think of my good traits is just a sign I need to work harder on my self-esteem! I’ll be sure to do that now!

Say, friends, what are your good and bad traits? I’d love to see where we’re similar! Let me know in the comments, okay? Take care! 🙂

Throwback Thursday: My Heart (Part 2)

Hello everyone! Welcome to part two of my memories related to my heart. This time, though, I won’t be talking about my WPW. That’s done and over with! What isn’t over with is my emotional progress, and today, I really want to delve into that. I know delving deep is for Saturdays though, so we’ll keep it light. Let’s talk about my dating history- not too much, but enough to show my growth.

A precursor to understanding my mental state in regards to dating is I’ve always dated online. Yes, even when I was a teen, I never seemed to fall hard for my classmates (at least none that liked me back)… But I found it easy to find partners online. My first boyfriend- who I’m still friendly with online a decade or so later- was when I was a preteen. We did live in the same state, not far from each other… but we were both very young, and meeting just wasn’t feasible. What’s funny is we still haven’t met, but we’re still good friends! Interesting how the world works, isn’t it?

I’ve dated many people since then- some I was working to save up to visit, others I didn’t like quite enough to want to meet. But last year, something big happened. I actually met my special someone in person. We’ve been together over a year now- when we met up, it was already more than half a year. (Wait, doesn’t that mean it’s going to be two years soon!?) In fact, it was just last June that I got to see him for the first time.

See, this relationship has changed a lot of my mind. Unlike with others, I was desperate to be able to be near him. More-so than any relationship before. When he offered to bring me over to where he lives, I was honestly in shock… But also the happiest I’d ever been, probably.

That trip, however, set off a couple of my anxiety triggers. For starters, we couldn’t stop pushing that we’d take the couch so the other could take his bed. We ended up just both sleeping in his bed, side by side. As someone who’s been a quasi-androphobe most of her life, that was a big deal all by itself. But it wasn’t just him in the house, either. I was staying in the family home. Yep, you guessed it, it was basically a mix of ‘meeting my boyfriend offline for the first time’ and ‘meeting the parents for the first time’ all in one.

The fact that I even trusted him that strongly was a clue for my fickle self that I was growing. He’d lied to me about his life in the past, mostly because he was trying to seem more attractive for me than he felt he was. However, when he came out with the truth months before that trip, I wasn’t angry in the way I’d usually be. If anything, I was happy the things he said turned out to be lies. I was happy he was opening up to me! I wasn’t feeling betrayed like any other lie I’d heard in my life!

And then we met, and slowly my fears faded. My androphobia didn’t act up, because I felt safe. I haven’t felt safe with someone other than my father in a long time. Even now, he’s changing me: I get urges to hear his voice to feel closer to him than I am. I crave to be near him once more- even if it’s just to watch him playing a game or something.

Okay, now that I fully embarrassed myself, tell me: How has a relationship helped you grow? I’d love to hear more stories about growing stronger with the help of others!

P.S.: I have plans to visit him again in the coming months. When I know when it is exactly, I’ll make sure to forewarn you since I probably won’t be able to write posts that week more likely than not. I really need to find a way to get my laptop on my plane this time…

Well, take care! I look forward to seeing you all again on Saturday, where I’ll delve deeper into my psyche and the reason I feel this growth is so important!

Topical Tuesday: ComiPo

Welcome to Topical Tuesday, everyone! Today, I’ll be discussing a specific program I use quite frequently. For example, it’s what I used for all my graphics here! Yup, that’s right- today’s topic is Manga Maker ComiPo!

If you’ve never heard of ComiPo- well, don’t worry. A lot of people haven’t. What ComiPo is is an art tool intended to make comics and manga. It uses 3D models and 2D assets to help those who can’t draw (like me) make scenes and stories in a different medium. Now, some comic artists rebuke those of us who work with ComiPo- they think it’s cheating, I guess. The thing is, to really make something good, even in ComiPo, it takes a lot of effort, thought and time. And ComiPo definitely does make you do that.

I’ve been using ComiPo for many years now. It’s grown a lot over the years, but I have hope it’s still growing. I’ve seen it start as simple as can be and slowly moved to things like adding your own models and 2D assets to further customize your work. It’s grown to let you transform the angle of 2D assets, change the size of heads, and even make short animations using it! ComiPo has a versatile area of things it can be used for. That said… Let’s focus on my uses for now, shall we?

I use ComiPo in a lot of facets of my life. I’ve often used it to make cards for my relatives; I’ve got plans to use it in the magazine I work for and have done so before; I use it for pure fun; and finally, I use it hoping to be able to make a sellable comic one day.

For reference, here is some more of my work using ComiPo:

Of course, even a program I love has to have a bad side. For me, that’s mostly its tendency to hate me and freeze up when I ask it to do something. This was an intermittent issue until recently- so I hope it’ll be an easy fix. But there are other little things that bother me about ComiPo. There’s a limit to the type of items you can import; some of its own backgrounds don’t fit the art style of the characters (which I guess some people like, but???); and, just in general, you have to buy a LOT of add-on packs to an already expensive product to vary your character models more. I’ve also had some bad luck with tech support- but I have hope it’s going to get better!

Overall, was ComiPo worth the price? To me, definitely- but it’s even better if you can get it on sale. ComiPo can be used to make all sorts of artistic things, not just comics- that alone makes it worth it to me. Although it’s bad for the wallet in the long run, if you use it right, you might be able to make some money using it.

Please note that the original PC version is has totally been dropped. Steam is the only real method to get it anymore. If you’re interested in ComiPo, please look at their website, as well as their page in the Steam store.

That’s all for today. Take care guys!

Soulful Saturday: High School

Hello everyone! It’s time for some deep diving into my psyche again as we enter another Soulful Saturday. Today, I decided to talk about something that’s not so secret, but something that I can’t stop feeling bothered by: high school, and the reason I failed to finish it.

If you were here last week, you’ll know already about my history of needing psychiatric medication and a hospitalization or two. And if you were here just the other day, you’ll know I was born with a heart condition. That said, I have a slew of diagnoses besides that: everything from fibromyalgia to spine damage, from congenital anosmia to an unusual case of hyperacusia. I have chronic migraines, a hormonal cycle as kind as a nasty mother-in-law, and blood pressure the polar opposite of the high that runs in my family. Basically, my genetic pool sucks.

Here’s where that became a problem for students in the old days: in a time where it was way harder to get an education from online sources legally, I was constantly out sick from school. If I was out six or more days, the quarter of that year was a failing grade automatically- and I failed a lot because of it. It didn’t matter I always had a doctor’s note. It didn’t matter if it was five days in a row because of the flu. If I was out, I was out. And eventually, being out led me to being kicked out. But that’s not the end of this story.

They did try other things, you see. They tried tutoring at the library which actually worked, until they discovered alternative schools for kids with issues like mine. The first one they sent me to was over an hour away from where I lived- if I felt even minorly sick, I refused to go in because there was no way I’d get to my doctor at a good time. Then, they switched me to a brand new one in town. And that’s when I learned something interesting.

Many students were absent far more than me and still passed. Apparently, the rules in those schools were based on the student’s town. It didn’t matter where I went- I was still a student of Paramus High School, even if I never had to step into that building to go to my classes. And because I was a Paramus student, I was held to the same harsh reality: Health was less important, in a way, than education.

I loved school is what’s funny. I’ve always loved learning, and I had great teachers most of my life. Sure, there were some hiccups, but for the most part, I was happy with the staff. I got along with my classmates, too. But once I was nineteen almost and retaking eleventh grade, my town decided keeping me as a student was too costly. I was expelled by their order, and have since not been to school ever again.

This is stuff that happened just under a decade ago, however. It’s not like the results ruined my life. I’ve yet to get my GED due to a multitude of complications, but I managed to get a job despite it because my boss, as well as being a kind person, saw my talents in editing and writing- we met in a writing group, after all! The fact I have this job, despite being disabled and a high school drop out, is more than special to me. Just thinking about how lucky I am to have met my boss and coworkers… I feel like crying!

So, I leave this post as a testament to the fact that, while it’s important to get an education, we don’t all get lucky hands. Play the hand you’re dealt, and remember there’s going to be some silver lining in your future. If it worked for me, it’ll work for you. I’m sure of it.

Throwback Thursday: My Heart (Part 1)

It’s Throwback Thursday, guys! That means it’s time to share with you a memory or two that has brought me to where I am today as a person and writer. For today, I decided to focus on a what may seem like a very vague topic: my heart.

I was born with a slightly unusual heart. You see, I was born with Wolff Parkinson White syndrome- a condition where the heart has more electrical pathways than it should, and causes various problems such as tachycardia. It also works with anxiety in a doomed tandem. There were some good jokes about my heart I always liked to make- but those are no longer necessary. Why? Well, I got it fixed two years ago.

My doctor, when I was a teenager, tried to talk me into a procedure called ablation. In an ablation, they run a thin catheter through your veins to take a look at the heart. When they find potential culprit nerves, they activate it with an electric stimulation- and, once they find the true culprits, they burn it off with radiation or freeze it to death. Point blank: they can rid you of the nerves sending your body into a frenzy.

That said, I didn’t go for the procedure until about ten years after it was recommended. I was too scared of needles, too scared anesthesia would kill me. I honestly felt traumatized for a while that they even wanted to do something to my heart. I suppose it was just my childish view that it was dangerous- because actually, most procedures are much safer on kids!

Well, two years ago in May, I finally got my ablation. I remember the procedure fairly well to a point: I remember convulsing on the table I was strapped down to as they tried to find the nerves with activation. Then, as they were prepared to take out the buggers, they put me deeper under the anesthesia than I’d been before. I was soon asleep.

When I woke up, they were already preparing to move me out of the surgical theater. The doctor smiled at me as I was rolled out on my hospital bed, asking me, “How does it feel not to have WPW anymore?” The words relieved me. It was finally over! Well, mostly.

The hardest part of that day wasn’t the convulsing on the table. It was the fact I had to stay in a very specific position and had to have my legs locked down so that my body could heal from the catheter. I had to stay like that for four hours, guys. FOUR. HOURS. It was so painful to move after growing numbed by the brace keeping it down. I can’t stress it enough. It hurt, bad.

That said, I’m glad I got the procedure. A year later, I was planning a trip to help my emotional heart without any worries that the three nerves I had burned would bother me. As for the details of that trip… Well, let’s save that for next time. Okay?

Topical Tuesday: Travel

Hey there guys! Welcome back, or if you’re new, just a great big welcome! It’s Topical Tuesday, meaning we’re going to talk about something mild and easy. And, thanks to lurking some sites for writing prompts, I’ve got a pretty good idea of what to talk about today.

Today’s topic? Travel.

There are many reasons a person travels, and traveling can vary in national and international ways. I personally have never been out of the United States- I don’t even have a passport, quite honestly. But even if I’ve never left this country, I’ve had my fair share of travels. I’ve lived in two states on opposite sides of the continent, I’ve been to almost every time zone at least twice in my life. The only one I don’t recall ever being in is Central.

I’ve traveled for many reasons in my life. Sometimes it was a relative having a conference and bringing me along. Others, it was because of an extracurricular activity. My most memorable travels, however, are usually the ones I choose to go on to see loved ones. Today, I’m going to give you a quick idea of some of the trips I remember most.

  1. Model UN Pasadena Trip
    I mentioned earlier that I lived on both sides of the continent. When I said that, I was inferring that I lived, for a short time, in northern California. It was an iffy time in my life as I was going through puberty and had a somewhat over-controlled life set up for me. However, I did grow to enjoy the extracurriculars I was pushed into. Model UN, in particular, brings memories I’ll never forget- including finding out two years after it my crush, who I said nothing to about it, always knew and was waiting for me to tell him about liking him. Oops?
  2. A Maternal Disaster
    My second memory of traveling actually happened earlier than the Model UN trip by about a year or two. I was taken by my aunt to visit my estranged mother- and well, there was a disaster at first, but it wasn’t all bad. Still, this is a painful memory more than a pleasant one. My mother hadn’t changed at all, I came to realize- and maybe the real reason I went there was to get closure and accept that fact. I certainly grew some closure… As much as you can when you’re already living in an insane household.
  3. My Beloved
    This trip actually happened in the past year. I’ve dated online most of my life, but I’ve never met up with the people I dated… Until last June, when I went to see my boyfriend and his family for the first time in my life. Needless to say, meeting your boyfriend offline for the first time coinciding with meeting his family is a bit intimidating, but it was a wonderful trip I look forward to making again sometime this summer. To my surprise, Arizona heat isn’t as painful for me as the current heat in our tristate area. I had been to Arizona once before as a child, and remembered it very differently.

    Unlike the child I was, I’ve grown to see charm in Arizona and similar states with arid deserts. I’ve started thinking that if I move out of state, Arizona would be a good destination- and not just because my favorite person is there! No, I want to go because it’s cheaper, and it’s easier on my health problems than this muggy sauna of a state I’m stuck in.

That’s it for today. Those are some of the many travels I’ve taken in my life within our country- and I hope to travel much more in the years to come! If you’d be willing to, I’d love to see a travel story of yours in the comments. Until Thursday- take care!

Soulful Saturday: Why Not To Say ‘I’m Fine’

Hihi everyone! Pull up a chair and relax as best you can, because today’s post is all about things my mental illnesses have lead to- and some of the quirks I’ve grown to have through experiences not all pleasant to the ever curious eye. If you’re easily triggered by things like hospitals, suicidal thoughts, some minor cursing, or just generally find mental illness as a topic too uncomfortable, you might want to skip this soul-searching session.

That said, let’s move on to today’s Soulful Saturday! Let’s show our support for Mental Health Awareness Month!

Before I can go through my story with mental illness, I think it’s important I share with you my list of diagnoses that will be discussed over time, not necessarily only in this post. I’m diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder with panic attacks; schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type; OCD; Borderline Personality Disorder… And I know there was something else, but I’ve honestly forgotten. My memory isn’t that great with all my meds and other health issues!

But there, now you have a base. Today, I’m going to focus mostly on the schizoaffective and the anxiety disorder. Why? Because honestly, I could write a book about Borderline, and I don’t feel like starting it now. Maybe another time.

My schizoaffective was likely the biggest problem for me in my youth. I’d be too afraid to leave the house if my hallucinations were bad (some weren’t scary, others scared my socks off). My mood would (and still does) change on a dime. But really, I want to focus on the schizo part of this: because it’s my schizo that led me to being hospitalized in high school. Well, the schizoaffective and the medicine I was put on because of it.

To The Hospital

For those of you that aren’t aware, I had a heart condition growing up, which I only got fixed maybe two years ago? I was put on a common antipsychotic called abilify- but the warnings on that medicine includes ‘do not take with a heart condition’. My doctor, however, was a total asshat. He threatened to have me taken away from my father if I didn’t take it! I told him about the reason, I told him when my heart problems worsened, and this horrible man just didn’t care a rat’s ass about my health swirling downward instead of getting better.

Now, I mentioned I was hospitalized. This isn’t because of the voices- this is because of my being triggered by mother’s day, which resulted me becoming depressed enough to contemplate suicide, as my homicidal rage towards my mother always made me feel worse. My mother abandoned me- how was I supposed to celebrate the woman that never wanted me outside possibly curing (or at least permanently putting into remission) her Crohn’s? So, after writing my journal about the pain, I shared it with my therapist… Who immediately called an ambulance. I’d been asking for years to go to the hospital, and I was finally getting what I wanted.

I was there ten days, and I saw a lot. One person tried to jab a pencil into their throat to commit suicide. A little kid constantly needed shots in his butt to calm him down. A guy kept eating the paper for the ward’s point system… I witnessed a lot, let’s just keep it at that. I was thankful to be off the abilify (first thing they did when they looked at my health file). Truly, I was. That’s probably why I was only there for ten days.

After the Hospital

For many, including myself at the time, it’s not well known that after you get out of the hospital, you often go to a day program called ‘partial hospitalization’, meant to help you return to your normal life. There were therapy sessions galore, from regular group therapy to art therapy. And I learned some valuable things! For one… I learned to hate the word ‘fine’, and to avoid using it when telling someone how I’m doing.

Now, I know many people see ‘fine’ as a bad term to use because it often means they don’t want to be honest. But there’s more to it, I learned. You see, fine is an acronym. There’s a reason it’s taken as opposite of the term’s meaning. You see, here’s what it means:

Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic and
Emotional.

That acrostic doesn’t sound like a great thing at all, does it? Ever since learning this at the partial hospitalization program, I’ve stopped accepting ‘fine’ as an answer to how someone’s feeling- because I know what it means: it’s a cover-up to avoid explaining what’s really going on in your life.

And that, my friends, is what I truly wanted to share with you today. I wanted to share how mental health can coincide with your body health, and how a visit to the hospital can teach you and change you. I know I haven’t gotten in as deep as I’d like, but… For now, just digest what I’ve shared so far. If you feel like sharing your own experiences in the comments, I’d love to hear them! But no matter what… please, never tell me you’re ‘fine’.

Throwback Thursday: Artsy Nostalgia

Good afternoon, and welcome to my second Throwback Thursday post! I’ve been thinking a lot about nostalgia lately, to be honest. In recent months, I joined a discord group for people who used my favorite site from when I was young- .hack//chat. They’re a varied group of people, but I knew a lot of them when I was only ten, eleven years old. When I first joined I was skeptical, but now… The nostalgia brings a smile to my face as we talk occasionally about the old days and try to plan to recreate the site that was like home to me once again.

Now mind you, that’s not what this post is about. I just wanted to point out when I started thinking so hard about nostalgia in the first place. While exploring my past in memories and kindred spirits, I started thinking of other things I did back then. One such thing? That was around the same time I started using deviantART for my drawings and poems.

Just yesterday, I started lurking my first DA account (yes, I have two- I was too lazy to delete the old account, and I like looking at it from time to time). I found things that I couldn’t help but ridicule, like my art style- but I also found some poems that made me smile. In fact, I found one that brought me some nostalgia all it’s own, because it was a remake of a poem I’d written the year before at sleep away camp!

So, today, I’d like to share with you my nostalgia from my youth. I have chosen a poem and some of my albeit bad drawings to share with you. I hope you’ll appreciate their childish charm as I do- because really, that’s the main value they have.

First off, the poem: An Ode to Oranges

The lucious color
Bright, pure
The tangy taste
One knows for sure
T'is the orange, ripe
Ready to peel
What underneath the skin
Will we reveal?
I open the skin
Ready to show
The bright color
Under hazy glow.
The orange is peeled
And ready to eat
Let us enjoy
Our tiny,
But delectable feast.

Now, some really sad pictures:

What’s something that makes you nostalgic? I’d love to know!